Free Love Advice For Men and Women

Awesome New Love eCards

2006-05-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I have been working so hard, and I haven't posted in forever, but I finally finished my big project. I have finally finished my brand new section of free love ecards!! You have to check them out because I worked soooo hard on them! I am not a php/html/code guru which is why it took me so long, but I am so proud of myself because it actually works! Yeehaw! Don't worry, you don't have to sign up or anything. That always annoys me. When you go and spend a while searching for a card, fill it in and all of the sudden they require you to log on or sign up? What a rip. Nope, not here....just pick a card and send it! Tell me what you think....good or not.

Auto Responders Suck

2005-12-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

What the heck is up with these auto responders? Someone just invented a super cheesy way to send out spam by automatically leaving comments on people's blogs. How crappy is that? Check out my post from teo posts ago (if that makes any sense). I am going to leave the comment section available just so you can all see what idiots are doing to our blogs. Just watch, the comment section on this post will grow rapidly.

Free Love Letters

2005-12-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!

I created a new page on my website where we wrote a whole bunch of Free Love Letters you can use as you wish. I noticed that a whole bunch of websites had come out with this software that allowed you to imput your lover's name and it would generate love letters for you. Cool, huh? The only problem is that they wanted $30 a pop. Whatever. I don't really think they should cost money because you could find great examples by searching on the internet. So we made up some fun letters love struck people can use and you can find them Here. They are super cool!!!

I Want Something More

2005-10-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been seeing someone for a few months now. When I first met him I told him that I didn't want anything serious. And at the time this was the truth. Now I feel like I am ready for more but I don't know how to go about telling him without making things awkward. I don't want to make myself look stupid. At one point I mentioned something to him and tried to initiate the conversation but I think I went about it all wrong. He ended up thinking that I didn't want to talk to him! We are still dating and having fun and I am still dying to tell him how I feel.

Sincerely,
Fear of Rejection

Dear Fear of Rejection,

I think a congratulations is in order. Sometimes it takes a while to admit to ourselves and to others that we just might be ready for a relationship. This is sometimes a scary premise. The most independent men and women travel from relationship to relationship (or fling to fling) because they are just not ready to commit to a relationship. Whether they fear the dependency, loss of independence and individuality or emotional vulnerability, a relationship can be a scary thing to someone who is highly independent. And when that person suddenly realizes that they just might be in love and starts to actually desire a relationship, the words just might be scared right out of him or her.

You didn't want anything serious back then. You might say this to a person to protect yourself, even when you really do want a relationship. When you say you don't want a real relationship while you are dating you are protecting yourself from being hurt emotionally. This way if he ends up breaking it of....no big deal. You had your emotional barrier up protecting yourself from any kind of hurt. You just move on without so much as a scratch.

Now you are utterly freaked out and confused because you want a relationship with this man. My guess is that this doesn't happen to you too often. Because you normally don't get emotionally attached and you are not used to "gushing", you are having a terrible time articulating what you want with this guy. Why? Because your emotional barrier is still halfway up. You are absolutely petrified that if you tell him how you feel, you will get shot down. That scares the living daylights out of you. You never let yourself get hurt and you are afraid to take that chance now. Guess what? You are completely normal.

Its okay to be afraid. Taking a change with love is always scary. There is always the chance that somewhere down the line you will get hurt. Can I be cheesy now and say that "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"? If you want a relationship you are going to have to open up. He is not going to understand what you want until you actually make yourself vulnerable and let him know how you really feel. Take a chance. If this is what you really want you have to go for it. If you never make yourself available to him emotionally, your relationship can not grow.

You said that your guy thought you "did not want to talk to him" after you tried to explain yourself. I can already picture in my mind why! You got nervous, had many long pauses and deep sighs, fragmented sentences that made no sense, and you still could not get what you wanted to say out. He was probably so confused, he might even have thought you were trying to break up with him!

You should let him know how you feel. Once you do, it will be all downhill from there, especially if he reciprocates. Make a list of everything you want to say. Sometimes it helps to get it down in paper. You have less inhibitions when you write because you are not face to face. Then let him know. Once you find out that he will not hurt you when you make yourself emotionally vulnerable, it will become a lot easier to start talking to him about your feelings and you will gradually ease your way into a deeper relationship. If he doesn't feel the same way, at least you know now and you can break away instead of still waiting and wondering for months down the road.

Sincerely,
Diva Rebecca

Magic Love Spells

2005-10-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

There are hundreds of magic love spells at this incredible site, it is brand new! Check out Red Magick Love Spells. They have tons of powerful love spells inclusing spells to get your ex back, committment spells, spells for sex and lust, spells to grow his or her love for you and much more! You can learn how to cast your own spells and make a better and more loving life for you! I LOVE this site! Check it out and even find a spell to help you locate your soulmate! Click Here!

No Sex on the First Date

2005-07-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have just started dating again after ending a 5-year relationship three months ago. I only date nice, professional executives (college grads) and have not crossed the point of no return with any of them even though some have tried. I have been told that, "We're both adults and the rules have changed and it's okay to have sex on the first date because sex is a natural thing for consenting adults." When I tell them I'm an old-fashioned girl, they tell me that "Mom's teaching is outdated and that they don't think badly of women who go ahead an "do it." I'm confused--is this BS or what? The gorgeous man with whom I would really like to have a long-termed relationship and who is perfect in every way for me (he is also the person who said this) and I almost gave in, but finally said no. Now he doesn't call even though he says that he is very serious about finding a wife. Do men try women out like cars before they make a down payment? In your opinion, do men really take a casual attitude like this or are they just testing my integrity to see if I'm wife material?

Sincerely,

No Sex On The First Date

Dear No Sex,

First of all, if you have your own convictions, stick to them. It makes you unique. Don't give in to someone else just because he says that times have changed. You will only be giving in to his libido and you will compromise everything you believe in for one fleeting moment. Why bother? If some guy is hot over you and giving you all of the lines from his hormonal pubescent days, take it as a compliment and recognize that this is all they are : LINES. He is hot over you and all he wants to do is get his freak on. Why? Because you are a beautiful sexy woman, that is why. Use this to your advantage instead of letting yourself become manipulated or feel weak. And let it make you feel proud. The guys are very attracted to you!

Second, if this one gorgeous guy is now ignoring you after he tried to get you in the sack and you properly declined while letting him know that you still like him, he is nothing but a player! It is always difficult to get back into the dating scene after being in a long term relationship. You become very trustworthy while in a relationship. You learn that you can trust a man with your emotions and honesty. Unfortunately, this is something you can not take for granted in the dating world. Not all guys are going to be who you think they are. This guy was just a player, nothing more. He only wanted sex from you and when you did not give it to him he was out the door. Imagine if you had given it to him? He might have come around for some more here and there and then he would be gone just like he is now, leaving you to feel violated and betrayed. You would have felt much worse than you do now. Trust me, this guy was not looking for a long term commitment, just sex.

If a guy was looking for that special woman, he would not ditch her because she did not give it up on the first date. He would be even more attracted to her and even more inclined to consider her for a serious relationship. Think of this as a learning lesson. The next time you say "No" and he immediately leaves, he is not worth a second more of your time. If he sticks around, he just earned some "cool points".

Times HAVE changed when it comes to casual sex, hook ups and sex on the first date. Women have become sexually liberated. A woman no longer has to feel badly about herself if she wants sex just as much as the man. But this does not mean that times have changed for everyone. This is a personal decision. And if you want to wait before you enter an intimate relationship, then you should wait. And kudos to you......I think waiting is the best choice for anybody looking for a relationship.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Ex boyfriend

2005-07-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Ex boyfriend: Did you break up with your boyfriend? Learn how to get your ex back and get that man back into your life! Find out at www.advicediva.com and learn from the Diva!

How to win her back

2005-07-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

How to win her back: Did you lose your girlfriend? Fine out why and what you can do to win your girlfriend back at www.advicediva.com Learn from the Diva!

She dumped me

2005-07-24T00:33:00.000-07:00

She dumped me: Did she dump you? Find out the reasons why and see what you can do to win your ex back at www.advicediva.com Find out from the Diva!

I Want Her Back

2005-07-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

I want her back: Are you looking for ways to get that woman back into your life? Look no further. Let the Diva show you how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com Let the Diva help!

Break up

2005-07-24T00:24:00.000-07:00

Going through a break up? Learn how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com!
Let the Diva show you how its done!

He Has Herpes

2005-07-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have finally met the most wonderful, loving, open man. We met online and we spent many hours on the phone before we met. He is the one I have been praying for. He told me he wanted to wait to have sex so we could do it right. He is even talking marriage! But he just told me he has the incurable herpes virus!!! I was so grateful that he thought enough of me to tell me this before we were intimate. I started reading up on it and now I just feel so sick. The pictures look terrible! I am so confused about what to do. It sounds like for just getting back into the dating scene at the age of 46 that I might get it anyways. It seems like it is out there everywhere, and I am sure that there are people who know they have it but would not tell you first. What should I do? I love him but I am terrified!

Sincerely,

Objection to Contraction, Dallas, Texas

Dear Objection,

There is no easy road to choose in this situation. I am sure many people would tell you to hit the highway hunny. Don't risk getting infected. But truth be told, many people you could date could also be infected. The current statistics show 1 in every 5 Americans has genital herpes. But not everybody knows they have it because they do not suffer major outbreaks or have obvious symptoms. ONE in every FIVE Americans! That is one heck of a track record.

Before you do anything you should consider all of the facts. You do not have herpes now and you might want to keep it that way. Genital herpes in a woman is much more complicated. Women suffer more severe breakouts, have more painful lesions and they are able to get sores inside the cervix. You would have no idea you were having an outbreak if you did. If you contract the virus, it could lead to complications in childbirth. If you were having an outbreak at the time of birth, you would be forced to have a cesarean because if the child gets infected, the virus could cause severe neurological damage, mental retardation or death. You should also know that Herpes is the most contagious sexually transmitted disease out there. You have a 75% chance of contracting the disease if your partner is in an infectious stage, and he might not even know it. And although you should always-always-always wear condoms, they will not protect you from catching the disease.

This guy you like so much got the nerve up and told you the truth. You have to give him some respect. Having the Herpes Virus is a severely emotional and painful discovery because of the strongly associated taboo associated with it. Even though so many people are infected, it still goes without saying that just the word alone "Herpes" gives you chills. There are people that have even committed suicide over the problem. This guy is most likely very embarrassed about his infection and he is trusting you with his secret. However he, and the numerous infected out there, should not be as terribly embarrassed about it as so many people are. This disease is prolific. It is about as common as the chicken pox. He is not a "bad person" for having the disease.

I would tell you to check out some support groups and see what kinds of medications are out there for prevention. Talk to your doctor about it. Don't be embarrassed. Just let him know that you are about to enter a sexual relationship with someone who has G.H. Trust me, he/she has heard it before. I won't lie to you, you would most likely catch the disease after a long intimate relationship. And although I am sure it is a pain in the you know what to live with (literally), you won't die and you can manage. Just like rest of those 1 in 5 Americans

I am aware of two couples who have the disease where one partner is infected and the other is not. In both cases, they always wear condoms and the uninfected persons sterilizes the area after intercourse with alcohol. Neither one has become infected yet and they get regular tests.

Give the guy a chance. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. You probably got the worst of them out of the way. Just wait a while longer for an intimate relationships until you are absolutely sure.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Cheated Online

2005-03-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I desperately need your help. I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. This past summer she got pregnant and she is due in April. We are both in the military and after I came back from deployment we got an apartment together and started making plans together for our life. Well I have had this thing with chatting online with people and after seeing this one day she asked me to stop because she didn't like it so I did. I had to move to Washington and she is still in California, and since then we have been having major problems. Before I left I had taken some explicit pictures of myself and put them on our computer and she found the pictures. I was also having sexual conversations with people online not for any sexual pleasure mainly from being bored. But I still did it and it was wrong of me to do it. She now says that we can not be together right now and she wants me to to go to counseling but she doesn't know if we can ever be together again. She doesn't know if she can ever trust me again. I love this woman very much and I want to spend my life with her and it is tearing me up inside that I actually did this to her. What can I do so that she can trust me again?

Sincerely,

Cheated Online,
United Kingdom

Dear Cheated Online,

Well, hunny, she probably thinks you are a freak. Or at least, she may be worried that you are.

There are plenty of people that chat online and they even engage in online sex and other fun stuff like that. And I am sure she realized that when she found out you are hooked on chatting online, you were probably having some online affairs. Some people will calling this cheating while other women will accept it as a variation of pornography and they might not even mind it too much. Your girl minded. She wanted to nip any chance of you having an online romance in the bud. She didn't want to take the chance. It bothered her and she let you know about it. But then she found out that you were having an online romance or two and you were even sharing photos.

Now, if it was just an online affair, she may have been understandably upset for a long time with your infidelity. You would have some serious making up to do. But in this case, your ex really doesn't know what to think. Are you an exhibitionist? Are you a pedophile? Do you have some freakiness about you that she will never know about and she may never uncover? The part about the photos scared her. This is not a normal encounter. And she probably does not have too many girlfriends she can share this with and gain insight on. Even if she had a hoard of friends, she would not want to tell them about this problem because of rumors, etc. What would her friends think if she got back together with you? (Not that you are a bad guy, this is just how a girl can think).

What you need to do is explain to her any fetishes you may have. Think about it. Are you an exhibitionist, do you role play online, do you have fantasies you have not discussed with her? If you explain to her what was really going on and give her better reasoning than to say "I was bored", she will be more willing to accept your mistakes. By just saying that you were bored you are telling her that you think your relationship is boring and you might do it again in the future when you get bored. You must be more honest with her, perhaps even seek advice from a sex counselor so you can be more armed when you talk to her.

This woman is just about to have a baby. She is going to want and need you by her side. You have some serious making up to do and I think you can handle it. The usual groveling, flower and candy buying and staying attentive to her needs in her pregnant status is absolutely necessary. Also think about ways you can prove to her that this will never happen again. She can install computer tracking software on your computer so that she can check out your online activity if she feels the need to. Things like that.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Signal Interpretation

2005-03-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My ex and I have been broken up for little over a month. We were together for 2 1/2 years. I thought everything was fine but we did come across the constant arguing. We went on vacation together in August and we had a blast. But, when we got back it was like a completely different world. We stop spending time with one another. I was going out with my girlfriends and he was with his friends. I called him one day and approached the subject. That we are basically not spending any time with one another so, what's going on...Is there someone else? Are you not interested any more? You don't care? What is it? I kept saying stuff like that to him. He was like no there's no one else, its been rough not working and trying to find a new job was his reply. So, of course since everything was bothering me and I had a few drinks in me my attitude came out negative like I didn't believe him. It started a big argument between us and that was the last time we really talked. One bad argument made everything go down hill. But, recently he called my cell phone. He was really cold and mean to the point where I was like I'm not falling into his trap by calling back and arguing. I haven't seen him nor have I called him. He stated on my machine that I ruined his life and that I'm the worst thing that happened to him. This is not what I want. I really do still care about him and love him. But, I need to know from your opinion if Im doing the right thing by not calling him even after I got the nasty message? Because, if this was 6 months ago I would of called back and argued right with him. He also stated on my machine that I'm suppose to tell his new girl that he has nothing to do with me...but, she never called..So, my friends are like there's no girl, that's just him trying to make me jealous...agree or disagree? Can you please help me.

Sincerely,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

I agree. For some reason he is terribly hurt and he feels like you broke up with him. You are dealing with a broken ego here. No, there is probably no other woman. And if there was, it is someone he doesn't care about at all.

What this poor soul is doing is acting like a child. He is throwing temper tantrums to get your attention. He is the little boy at school pulling a girl's pigtails just to try and get her attention. What he wants is for you to throw yourself at his feet and beg for him to come back to you. Maybe not that extreme but he wants your attention. He wants to feel loved and cared about and he wants you to chase him. He feels like you do not care about the breakup and he wants you to care.

He is acting a little childish for someone that has been ina relationship for this long, but if you truly want him back I would give him the attention he is craving. Bite your tongue and apologize for anything and everything even if you were not in the wrong. If he starts to argue, keep your cool and do not get drawn into the arguement. Talk sweetly and softly and let him know how much you love him. Give him lots of compliments and positive attention. Don't give him any negative attention (ie telling him how miserable you are and how much he is hurting you). After doing this for long enough, he will warm up to you. But someone in this scenario has to be the bigger person and try to resolve and issues by apologizing. It will be the ice breaker. Otherwise, you two will keep up this circle of anger and arguing.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Not Jewish Enough

2005-03-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Six months ago my boyfriend broke up with me because we are different religions (he's Jewish, I'm Protestant). Although we are not religious at all, he was insistent on marrying a Jew. In the beginning of our relationship he was open to dating a non-Jew, but in the end he decided he could not date non-Jews anymore. He said even if she (I) were to convert she still hadn't been raised Jewish and was only converting to be with him. We only dated 3 months but it was enough time for me to find out that he was a great love of my life. I want very much to rekindle our relationship and mend my broken heart. When we broke up he said his feelings never changed and that he still loved me and would have a special place in his heart for me always. I've done everything I'm supposed to do to move on but the feelings and the heart break are not relieved. I've stayed away from him to avoid the pain and if I keep in touch I will only try to get him back. Lately I've thought that it's worth the risk to try to get him back because if his love was really honest, we can work out our religious conflicts and rekindle our love for each other. I'm curious to know what approach to take.

Sincerely,

Christian,
Alpharetta, Georgia

Dear Christian,

What you are experiencing is an excuse, nothing more. If he considered you his great love, nothing would stand in his way, not even religion. And if his religious convictions were as strong as they seem to be now, he would never have begun dating you. Also, if religion was that important to him, a consideration of a religion switch on your part should appeal to him greatly if he was truly in love with you. He is using the excuse of the difference of religion now to make the breakup easier on you. He is trying to give you a good excuse.

You have to give him credit, he is trying to protect your heart. But his excuse was easy to see through.

Now you must realize that this man did not feel the same way about you as you did about him. You need to try and move on. Three months is not a very long time to be dating someone. You may have very strong feelings for this guy, but trust me, he is NOT the great love of your life. The great love of your life will reciprocate your feelings and will love you no matter what the obstacle. It is my opinion that you can not truly love someone unless they love you back.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Broke Up With His Answering Machine

2005-02-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I was dating this guy for about 2 months. Everything was totally great. He stayed at my house for 3 days, and I got all mushy and started implying that I wanted to be bf and gf. He got uncomfortable, and the next day (After he left) was the first day he didnt call me back right away. I waited 24 hrs for him to call back and then left a message that it was over.

We've exchanged a couple of emails since then, and run into each other a couple of times. He always said (when we were dating) and still does that he likes me so much that it terrifies him, and that he doesn't want to get hurt by me. His ex-finace left him a couple of years ago with no explanation and so he doesnt want history to repeat itself.

Well, one time when I ran into him we ended up kissing. He asked me to go to dinner the next day, but ended up cancelling. I saw him the day after at the superbowl party, but we didnt talk much. Polite, but distant. Then that week we went to lunch together. He was leaving town that night for a week, but made time to hang out with me. We went to lunch, and then to the bookstore where he bought me 2 of his favorite books, and bought himself a book that I suggested. We didn't kiss goodbye, but a big hug and I gave him a tap kiss on the lips. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

Well, your first big mistake was breaking up with him in a message becasue he didn't call you back right away. This is a major red flag to most guys. If the girl spazzes when he is not able to return a phone call and she calls him over and over again (as if he was waiting for the precise 27th call), he will usually back away very quickly. I would have. I am not saying that to be cruel, I am just giving you the skinny. Never ever let it get to you when a guy doesn't call. Keep your cool and do something else to get it off your mind......like go to the clubs with your girls! But once you call him more than once in the beginning of a relationship because he hasn't called you back, you can consider the relationship over.

You also know that he has been hurt before. He ex left him for no reason. Well, he might be thinking that you did the same exact thing to him again. And if you broke up with his answering machine, he might assume that you will do it again in the future. He is protecting himself.

In this particular case, I would stop playing games with him. The key to any relationship and accessing your desire is communication. Find a time where you can get together with him for coffee or something like that, and tell him the whole story. Let him knwo exactly what happened, how you were feeling and why you did what you did because of what you were feeling. Faced with some brutal honesty, you will find out exactly how he feels. And if he is the least bit interested, you will be seeing each other again very very soon.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Is Alive

2005-02-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am 50 years old and living in Southwest Ga. My first love recently resurfaced after being missing and presumed dead for approx. 20 years. We first got together when we were both 15 and had a great love. Now, after 3 failed marriages I am on my way to another divorce really soon. I have loved this man for as long as I can remember and spent a lot of time and money trying to locate him for years. Turns out he contacted his sister whom I am very close to and is living in Tennessee in a Group Home. He is schizophrenic and has responded very well to the medication and seems to be doing much better. I have corresponed with him via phone and mail. It is a dream come true for me. Do you think it is possible for us to have a relationship? His sister and I are planning a trip to Tn in the Spring. It has been almost 30 years since I last laid my eyes on him. I have to do this whether anything comes of it or not. This thing is just consuming me and I need some advice.

Sincerely,

Reconnected

Dear Reconnected,

That is quite a story. That must have been quite a shock for you to realize that this person you thought was dead for 20 years is actually alive. Of course it is consuming you. You knew this man and spent a long time with him. After he dissapeared you invested time trying to find him. Now that he is found and is rehabilitating, you are still trying to adjust to the shock. Only after you see him and become accustomed to him once more will this all consuming feeling stop taking up every thought. I am sure what you are going through is normal in such an abnormal situation.

You are going to have to prepare yourself for meeting him. He may not be the same person you knew before in a physical sense. Every changes with time, but if he has been suffering fromSchizophrenia, who knows how this could have affected his physical appearence. You could have been living in the gutter at some point. He may have teeth missing and things like that. You never know. Of course, he might also be just as handsome as when you last saw him. Just keep an open mind.

Try not to force anything. Just take things slowly. Try not to hope too much for a relationship right now. You two are far apart and he is dealing with a terrible affliction and seeking medical help. There is always the possibility that you will have a relationship in the future. I just want you to take things slowly. And to make you smile....doesn't this seem like the happy ending everyone wants? You two may have been destined to be together.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Am I a Queen or a Slut?

2005-02-17T16:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am in a specific situation here. I'm a mother of a 15 month old boy. I'm single - have left his father before he was born. I have recently met a man who seems in love with my son. We spend a lot of time together, see each other approximately 4 times a week. He adores spending time with my boy, and my boy adores him, which is very unusual since he mainly likes women, before him he never responded to men. He cooks for me, gives me massages, drives us wherever and whenever... You now probably wonder where's the problem... He has a girlfriend. He never mentions her, to be precise, he mentioned her exactly 4 times in 6 months we know each other. I have met her once, and I felt bad realizing that she is not bad at all. She's not a beauty, but she's kind and cute, a little spoiled though. Anyways, he treats me like a queen, but I don't know what to do!

Sincerely,

In the Dark

Dear Dark,

I am a little confused. You say that you two hang out all of the time, but you did not make clear the nature of your relationship. Are you just friends, or do you share a more intimate relationship. You did not mention a physical or emotional relationship.

If you two are just friends, then you should back off because of the other woman. You can not let yourself play the part of the other woman, nor should you try.

If you are having a real relationship, then you also need to break off the relationship because of the other woman. He is treating you like a common whore. You think he is treating you like a queen, but as the saying goes, "treat a slut like a queen and a queen like a slut". He is hiding you from his girlfriend because he really cares about his girlfriend and he does not want to hurt her nor break up with her. On the other hand, he lets you know that he has a girlfriend and you are just a treat on teh side. That is because he does not care about your feelings. He is treating you very poorly. Also, the longer you continue this relationship, the more ashamed of yourself you should be. You are doing wrong to this other woman whom you do not even know, and you are allowing yourself to be treated in a disrespectful manner.

You might care a lot about this guy, but you need to start caring more about yourself. End the relationship now and let him know that you only want to get involved with a man who is ready for a mature and committed relationship.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Still Having Sex With My Ex

2005-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

The ex has a girlfriend, but is now calling me, and coming over, and spending the night, telling me how beautiful I am, and how irrisistible I am. He gazes into my eyes and tells me how he has feelings for me, and he cares for me. He never mentions the girlfriend, except for the first time in the beginning when I said to him, "You have a girlfriend..don't you?" He answered yes. This has been going on for seven months.....I told him that this is hard for me, and he said he knows it's not fair to me...I believe he cares for me, but he's afraid to let himself get any closer. When we were a couple, he told me he had never got so close to anyone so quickly. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Still Involved

Dear Still Involved,

You have been letting this go on for seven months? So for seven months you have been the other woman. You should never even let yourself be the other woman. You know you would hate it if your boyfriend had another woman on the side. Even if you hate this other girlfriend, you should never do another woman wrong in this manner. It is wrong.

If you really want to get his attention, you need to deprive this man of what he really wants from you: physical intimacy. Cut him off. No more nookie unless he is your boyfriend. Make this absolutely clear to him. You also want to tell him that you would have a relationship with him, if the circumstances were different. But as they stand now, you can not continue to degrade yourself with a mere sexual relationship while you want and need more. Make good on your promise and refuse to see him until he is free and single.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Gets Jealousy

2005-02-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I recently got back with my ex-boyfriend. We dated about 3 months 1 year ago. we fell in love fast. We eventually broke up because of his crazy accusations of me cheating on him and his drug addiction. But now we are back together.

I thought that things would be better this time. Tt has been about 2 months and all we seem to do is fight. We seem to not have good communication skills and I know I have a problems dealing and handling conflicts. I do love him but he has caused me a lot of pain. I will forgive him though because I love him.

I know that I should break up with him but I can't. I don't want to leave him alone. I want him to know that I'm here for him. You see, he has no family. His mother is a drug addict as well and his dad hasn't been in his life for a long time now. He has been in and out of foster homes. I know that I shouldn't feel sorry for him but how can I just give up on him. Everyone is his life seems to have given up on him.

He is currently not working and I've been supporting him. His rent is paid for by his aunt fortunately. At first it wasn't a problem but now it's gotten to me and all I seem to do is be bitter and get angry and say hurtful words. I'm discouraging him but I feel like its so unfair because he will have the nerve to then make accusations of me cheating on him when I'm with him 24/7. I believe this is caused from his drug use. He trips out on this notion. It's almost impossible to deal with but I do somehow.

I know, I know... it's so horrible, huh? Despite all this I love him and I don't want to break up with him. Is there anything else I can do? He says that when he feels these things about me he wants me to just reassure him instead of get mad. I get upset and end up leaving his place for a few hours and then coming back.

I looked into to rehabilitation centers for him but the cost is crazy, $10,000. Can you believe that? We do not have that kind of money. I don't know what to do? please help.

Sincerely,

Victim of Jealousy

Dear Victim,

Because of his life living in foster homes and having no family, this man has abandonment fears. This usually occurs in girls when the grow up without a daddy since so many of them do these days. In his case, he has grown up without a mom and dad. And his parents have seemingly abandoned him. So, it would stand to reason that this poor guy will have serious abandonment issues that will last a long time and will rear its ugly head in relationships.

People can get over fear of abandonment issues but it only comes with age. The biggest thing that will help will be independence. He needs to get a job and make some money soon. When he is able to do that, he will feel like he can take care of himself and his own life. This feeling of complete and total independence will help alleviate these feelings he has been having. Right now, he is worried you will abandon him and then what? He has no where to go like he did when he was a child. But until he feels safe with himself, he will be able to feel better about you.

You should not blame yourself about anything that is going on in the relationship. He is having his own problems and his own demons. He is going to have to work them out himself. It sounds like he might need to go to a therapist. If you can not afford drug rehab, try looking at a good psychologist. That could be a much cheaper and a lot of good help. This is also something he should do by himself. He needs to be able to talk to someone in private. You can try couples therapy later.

For now you are going to have to give him a lot of comfort and support and if you really love him you are just going to have to deal with it. I know it is very hard to deal with someone who is constantly accusing you of cheating. I personally would not be able to deal with it. That would drive me right up insane. But if you love him you are going to deal with it. Everytime he freaks out he just wants you to reassure him and give him attention. That is what he is craving. Eventually he will calm down but it will take time. You will be in for a long haul so make sure this is really what you want.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Smokes Meth

2005-02-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Met a man from Arizona at a 5 day convention in Florida in October who is in the same business and organization as my father is in, whom I have been employed with for some 15 years. He is my age, the Big 40, divorced after 20 years of marriage with 3 children and grand children and has had his own business for 7 years and is very successful. He enjoys restoring old cars and golfing and is very well liked in the business and organizations and very kind. We had a great time......talked alot....hung out....and went to the banquet together the last night. Danced, kissed and he spent the night with me but was a perfect gentlemen......Everyone was very excited that we spent time together and gave us their praises!

He promised to call and visit soon, which he did. He has called everyday since, e-mailed, and visited twice for a week each. He is wonderful......here is the BUT......

When last he came, the week after Xmas he brought me a gorgeous $2K watch for a Xmas/Birthday gift which I had seen in Florida and joked about...how sweet that he did the research to get the watch. I was shocked and of course very excited about all this.

On the second eve of his stay, he asked me if I had ever tried speed. I said no...I do think I tried it in middle school once and thought I was going to have to tell my parents I thought I was having a heart attack.....I am a wine drinker and once in a while I have a few too many, but mostly I put my two year old to bed, pour a glass and find it still sitting there when I wake up in the morning. I can be the life of the party completely sober.......and do so frequently!! LOL

He then proceeded to show me something that looked like crack (although I have never seen that before either) and produced a glass pipe and smoked it....he called it meth, I had never heard of it.....well that totally freaked me out and he knew it. So I asked him what it was, what it did, why he thought I might like it and why he would travel with it ( I live in MD), thats a felony. I went to bed that night freaked out...my child was just in the other room. The next morning I went to work and left him at home......he was going to come into the office with me...but I left him asleep on the sofa.

I called a friend who told me to get him the hell out of my house pronto.......so I called him a few hours later told him I was freaked out and that I thought he should leave. Coincidently my mother was at my house when I called him to pick up something and called me back to ask what had happened I just told her we were not getting along and asked him to leave so she volunteered to take him to the airport, which she did.

I was sooooooo sad and disappointed.....

A week later, I wrote him a letter telling him I hoped he was getting treatment and that I had not tarnished his reputation with his business and that I was returning the watch. He called and begged for my forgiveness....told me he had never been so humiliated in his life, felt like common criminal, and that he couldnt believe he had screwed everything up like that. He said it had just "fallen" into his hands and he has done it thru the years, its a west coast thing, and he thought it might be "fun". He told me he had flushed the remains and trashed the pipe and would never do it again ever......he was very remorseful...I cried...told him I didnt know him from Adam and that I had to ask him to leave as I have a child to protect and thought he was some sort of freak.....He asked if he could call again.....he did....3 times a day for a week plus emails and text messages. I finally called him back and have been talking to him since. He wants to prove to me that he is an upstanding man with a business, friends, home, and not a drug addict and has sent me a plane ticket to visit him in 2 weeks, to show me his home, meet his kids and friends and see where and how he lives. He sent pictures...I did some investigation and found his business and financial history check out and he has no criminal record. Amazing what a novice can find out on the net free of charge....LOL

My father is thrilled, my friends of course are leary....and I am half forgiving and half suspicious???!! Of all the things I have read on this meth stuff, its not good, very addictive, and can make you paranoid and violent when you come down. I mean can you really do it "casually"? I want to get to know him better, I want to believe him??? Am I crazy too? Should I go?? I've never been to Arizona.....LOL And can I keep the watch?

Sincerely,

Red Flag Issuer

Dear Red,

I thought that was very strange that a 40 year old business man was doing meth, brought it with him and exposed you, a potential love, to it. Meth is BAD!! It is one of the worst designer drugs out there. It is home made and severely addictive. You can do it once and want more and more and more. Most of the crazy drug users that can do nothing else but shoot up and smoke do METH. It is a horrible drug! Worse the heroine! Now, I have lived the party life and been exposed to many people doing drugs, many high rollers and influential men. But they all did coke and ectasy. No one ever did meth, only junkies do that. I never did drugs but I do know the danger in meth. I have seen documentarys on meth users that would blow your mind. I have never ever met or heard of a casual meth user. Freaky!

Now, he did freak out when you ended it with him over the meth. I am sure he felt like a jerk. In this case, I don't think he has really done it but a few times. If he was addicted, he would never tell you that he won't do it again nor would he feel badly about it. Drugs users want to do their drugs and not feel bad about it. They won't listen to anyone who tells them not to do drugs and they won't listen to reason. So, this makes me think that he is being honest with you. And he is obviously not an addict. A meth addict would never be able to afford a $2k watch.

However, I would take extreme caution. The fact that he has indulged in meth and thinks nothing is wrong with it (or has in the past) is a major red flag. You let him know right now that you ar not a drug user and you do not want to associate with anyone that does drugs like that. You especially can not have a relationship with a man that does meth or any kind of drug. You need to have an equal relationship. An alcoholic can not have a successful relationship with someone who is alochol free. I am not saying he is an addict, but you can not have the danger lying around of him potentially becoming and addict. Lay down the law and see if he is willing to abide. If he is, give him a chance. And yes, you can keep the watch. If it doesn't work out between you, consider it a conselation prize.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

She Does Not Want to be in a Relationship

2005-02-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been with this girl for 3 years and she recently broke up with me. She recently moved out to her first apartment and says she needs a break. She does not want to be in a serious realtionship for a while because she has been in one since she was 17. She is 23 I am 24. She has a very controlling mom and has a problem when people telling her what to do. She basically wants to be able to whatever she wants without any restrictions or having to check in with anybody. She also says that she pictures herself with me when she is ready for a serious relationship and see us getting married. She says she loves me just as much but feels she needs to do this before she goes any farther in a realtionship. She claims she just wants to be able to go out with guys if she wants and not get yelled at by anyone. I dont know what to make of this, if she really just wants a break to get this out of her system, or if she is seeing if there is anything better out there and if not come back. She knows that I am safe and that I'm not very social and have a small circle of people that I talk to. Basically how do I deal with this? If I stop talking to her is there a good chance she will miss and come back sooner or if I date another peron will that make her jealous and come back or should I give up and move on? I feel so dumb.

Sincerely,

Abandoned

Dear Abandonded,

First of all you are not dumb. Neither is your ex girlfriend. I admire the fact that she honestly told you what she wanted and what she was looking for in a very thoughtful and articulate manner.

You should know that many women have a hard time settling down until they are ready. Some women take a little bit longer to want that mature and committed relationship. It took me until I was 30. I wanted the same thing she did. I could not stand anyone telling me what to do, I was very independent. So as soon as someone would start acting controlling with me, I was out of there. This is completely normal. She needs to get this out of her system. And one day, she will be ready for that relationship. It hits very suddenly, about the same time she starts to desire a family. Then she will look back on the good guys she has dated (namely you) and she will be ready to try a relationship.

Think of it as a selfish phase. She is simply not ready to be part of a "team". She wants to be alone. This phase will end, she is only expressing her individuality. This is what happens with very strong and independent women. When she is ready, she will make a great companion. But no amount of pushing will make her ready. You must let her come to that conclusion on your own.

For your own benefit, I would not wait around if I were you. Although she may be the one, you should not have to wait. There are other women out there for you who are ready right now and who will be a great match for you.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Called Him Too Much

2005-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I met this guy in Miami this past summer on the beach we stated talking and then exchanged emails, as friends. I totally forgot about him until he emailed me in November saying he was interested in me and wanted to meet again since he lives now in NJ. We arranged to meet at 5 on a Thursday but it was not definite. It was around 4:30 and I called him asking where he was and whatnot. He didn't respond so I called him four more times until finally he texted my phone saying with "STOP F****** calling, I'm in a F***** meeting, this is really pissing me off! Holy shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is crazy". Wow was I surprised! Two minutes later another text, "Sorry this meeting will probably go on forever, won't be able to meet until 7 so I'll ttyl." I text him backing saying its alright I will be in the city until 8. So I wait around until 7 and texted him saying where I was. Nothing, he doesn't respond at all. I wait more until 8:30 texted him again nothing so I give up and go home. I go home and write him an email apologizes that I called him when he was in such an important meeting. He responds and says, "PLEASE DONT CALL ANYMORE, PLEASE ONILNE IS FINE ONCE AND A WHILE!!!!!!!!!". He was online so I decided to IM him to talk and then he blocks me so I can't. I really like this guy. I mean, we had such amazing conversations on the phone and the internet for months until January when we wanted to meet up and now I just don't know what to do.

Sincerely,

Shut Out

Dear Shut Out,

Don't be so sad. This gut had a warning system that he was using. There is nothing you can do but move on and forget him. He obviously is not up for any reasoning. His warning system was most likely against clingy people. If a girl calls obsessively and leaves multiple messages because he has not called back, that sends him a warning flag. He probably just got irritated because he could not call and he wants to date a girl who will be patient and secure enough not to worry. Some jobs will just have a guy like that by the balls and he will not be able to call. I think this will help you out in the future. The next time you set a date with the guy, do NOT under any circumstances call him that many times to confirm a date. Call once or text and if he does not call you back or does not meet you out, go home and forget about it. Most likely, he will try to reach you as soon as he can and apologize for the delay or grovel for your sympathies. Especially if you do nothing and do not call him again. but when you call repeatedly like you did, the guy freaked and ran the other way.

At this point, he is done with you and he does not want to be harrassed so no more emailing or text messaging. I know you want to just talk to him and let him know that you were not harrassing him, but he is done. It may hurt your pride but move on. Each time you try and talk to him he will only keep hurting you when he tells you to leave him alone, so do yourself a favor and do not contact him at all. Start dating someone else.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Still Live With My Ex

2005-01-31T17:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My ex-boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year. We very recently broke up and I have moved into the spare bedroom of our apartment. Due to
reasons beyond our control, neither of us can move out at the time. I have been going out with friends and avoiding home since the breakup, and I try not to let him see how hard it has been on me. I went through a few days of grieving the loss of the relationship but am trying to seem happy with all aspects of life. I obviously have to see him everyday, and dating could be terribly uncomfortable in this situation, so I'm wondering besides moving out, what can I do? I still love him and am hoping he'll come back around, but I can't put my life on hold for something that may not be.

Sincerely,

Too Close for Comfort

Dear Close,

If he broke off the relationship, then you have every right to start dating. You do not have to worry about appearences especially if you are financially restricted right now. You have every right to be happy and you don't have to be alone. Just let him know that you don't want to be alone. If he freaks out and gets upset if you start dating, simply let him know that you do not want to be alone right now. He can not be upset with this especially if he broke it off.

You also do not have to let him know that you are dating, but you do need to move on with your life. If you are going out on a date, just let your ex know that you are going out with some friends. Have your dates meet you out instead of them picking you up and obviously don't bring any dates home. You do not have to feel badly about this. You have every right to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. You are prisoner to no one.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Dating Over 50

2005-01-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am not sure if you are able to give any advice concerning this topic, but I am 50 and just started dating again. In the last year, I have dated 5 different men. I am sorry to report that all of these guys were really awful. Let me start by saying that I experienced in the last year the following things while dating these men:

1. Dated a man for 5 months only to discover he was living with a woman for 14yrs in the same apartment complex as myself and lied about it after taking me to all those fancy places for dinner and dancing.

2. Dated a man whom I met up with at our college reunion only to discover that he was living with his mother and had no vehicle and after 3 weeks he stopped calling, only to start calling back recently and pretended as if nothing had happen.

3. Dated a man who sold luxury cars at a dealership and was on the rebound from a 2nd marriage which he said he discovered never happened because his marriage certificate was never filed properly(have to say, he was the best of the lot).

4. Dated a special education teacher who did not like all the time I spent with my Autistic grandaughter-LOL

5. Dated one of my best friends who drives a school bus, only to have him confess loving me then take it back the next day-LOL

Now I want to say this, I am already 50yrs old. I simply can not believe that this is all there is. Make no mistake, I have kept myself up, I get compared to my daughter a lot when we are out by younger men and to top all of this off....the youthful look attracts idiots who are so immature that I just can not stand it. Please what are all of old school dating people supposed to do in a world like this?

Sincerely,

Single and 50

Dear Single and 50,

You had me laughing on this one. You certainly have dated some toads, haven't you? Don't worry, even younger women have the same awful experiences. It is not just because you are in a different age bracket. The dating game can be just as tough for everyone. You never really know who it is you are hanging out with. So many people put up a facade which is why you need to protect yourself.

The biggest problem that people face when dating after 50 is the size of the pool you get to fish from. There just are not as many people in the dating scene over 50 as there are at younger ages. And many of the people that are single, do not wish to begin dating because they are afraid. People in their 50's do not want to go hang out at clubs by themselves or go meet guys they barely know at meat markets.

Fortunately, dating over 50 is actually much easier than it was only ten years ago. The best, easiest and most fun way to date at your age is checking out the menu online. Looking at the choice of guys you have dated as you deatiled to me so beautifully, it looks as if you are dating people that are simply nearby to you. You were dating people you already knew, at elast most of them. I think the reason you chose these guys is because they were the only older single guys you knew. It was almost like you were dating them out of necessity. There are other guys out there and a much better selection, but you have to look. There are tons of online websites which have a section dedicated to dating over 50 and there even online dating sites completely dedicated to dating at this age. These websites are so popular that you are bound to find plenty of nice men your age who will fair way better than your most recent dates.

Men and women your age are just different when it comes to dating, as I am sure you know. Most people your age have already been through a marriage or two. they own their own homes, have mortgages, good jobs and a lot more to lose. Therefore, everyone wants to try before they buy. They are more careful to protect themselves, their assets and their feelings. So for older people, you will find that most dates prefer to be friends before lovers. I think this is the way it should be for anyone in the dating scene, regardless of age.

Go ahead and check out those online dating sites. I would also suggest getting together with your girlfriends and going out for lunch, social functions and out on the town. When you are in a group of girls, it makes it easier to meet new people because you have a shield around you, your friends. It also makes things much more interesting and a heck of a lot more fun.

Good luck in the dating world!

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Will Write for Food

2005-01-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

The Diva is Looking for More Work!

So recently, I left my position as the Director of Operations for a large commercial real estate firm in Houston, Texas and I moved to Boston, Massachusetts. There were two big factors which compelled me to move to Boston.

First, I grew up here in one of the small towns just north of Beantown. I have always wanted to move back, even though it is a little conservative, socially speaking.

Second, I finally met my future husband and I am ready to settle down. Yes, it is true. Your eyes are perfectly fine and you read right. He is wonderful and I have known him since high school. The Diva is finally settling down.

So back to my situation. I move home and because I have no more local references, I am unable to locate a good job. I have always had AdviceDiva on the side for additional income. But, of course, it is not enough to support me alone. Most of my Advice Diva work I do for free! I have always had a full time job AND this website.

Apparently, the commercial real estate market is not doing too well here in Boston. So I find myself wondering if I could start working online at home as a creative writer. Hmmm......would anyone hire me? Instead of trying to look at job search engines, I have this great resource right here. Why not post online on my own fabulous website!? I might not have a degree in creative writing. But I never had one in real estate either and I worked in it for 5 years. I actually have my degree in molecular biology. Go figure.

If there is anyone out there who is looking for a creative writer for sales, or a newspaper or magazine, or anything at all, please don't hesitate to send me an email. And if any of you Diva fans out there know of any good leads for me, I would be much obliged. Samples of my monthly articles can be seen at http://advicediva.blogspot.com These articles appear in websites and magazines each month.

Thanks for the support!

Thinking About an Affair

2005-01-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating the same guy since high school. We have split and reunited several times in the past 14 years. I started working for a new company about 3 months ago and met a male colleague who immediately caught my eye. Even though I did not feel anything for him in the beginning things changed quickly.

I don’t know that I am in love with him but my heart literally skips several beats when whenever I see him or speak to him. We have built up quite a good platonic relationship (even very mild flirting) and even though I know that I will probably never leave my current beau, I can’t stop thinking about this guy. I have now even started dreaming (intimate dreams) about him. I sense that he likes me too, but he is definitely not the kind of guy who will just come out and say how he feels especially since he knows that I am in a relationship with someone else.

What can I do to get over this dorky infatuation?

Sincerely,

Infatuated

Dear Infatuated,

This is simply called lust. I have experienced the same thing at a place where I worked once. In my situation, it was my boss. Fortunately, I was single and I was able to get it out of my system by having a torrid affair with the guy. The strange thing was, that although my infatuation was intense and I thought I was in love, as soon as we "hooked up" the feeling was gone. It was pure lust and nothing more.

This feeling will pass. Do not make the mistake of doing anything with this guy since you have someone that you love. You do not want to risk doing anything stupid. It should comfort you to know that if you did have an affair with this man, you would be over it as soon as it started because it is only lust. Nothing good owuld ever come from it. there are also too many other risks involved when you have an affair with someone from work. You will be distracted from your work and you could get fired from a reduced performance or if someone found out.

To help yourself out, every time you see this guy, start talking about your man and how much you love him. This will help him to stop flirting with you and that way you can get on with your life. It will only take time and determination to keep your lustful eye away.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Sex Drive After Menopause

2005-01-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My wife has been menopausal for over three years....with a very reduced libido. When aroused she is every bit as lubricated and climactic as ever....but sex now occurs only about every 5-7 days. Any thoughts about how to increase frequency?

Sincerely,

Horny Old Guy

Dear Horny Old Guy,

There are so many different factors involved with menopause and sex. It would be in your best interest to consult a female physician to discuss options. After weighing all of the different factors involved in your particular case, the result and prescription will be uniquely yours (or hers).

For one thing it really matters if your wife has had surgery or not, and if so has she retained her ovaries? The part of the body responsible for making sex hormones are the ovaries and they in turn affect the brain. Adter menopause, the ovaries stop producing estrogen which is the major sex drive hormone. However, the ovaries will continue to produce testosterone which is fine because tissues in the body will convert it to estrogen. But is she has lost her ovaries, her sex drive will be lost. Also, even if she has her ovaries, it might also be that she has also stopped making testosterone. There are also things that can supress thes ehormones such as certain anti-depressants. Check and see if she takes any mediactions.

Many women resort to HRT (Hormone replacement therapy) during and after menapause. This helps to bring back a happy and thriving sex drive. HRT is synthetic estrogen and progesterone which helps to eliminate the effects of menopasue caused by the decreasing levels of estrogen and makes her feel normal again. The synthetic estrogen also works the same way as natural estrogen does to increase sexual stimulation in the brain. However, this is a treatment which must be discussed with a doctor and prescribed by a docor. As with any treatment, this one may have some side effects and some people are against it.

Finally, they say that the best way to increase the sex drive for a women in menopasue in a natural way is excercise. Besides hormones, it is the only other variable that can be correlated with sex drive. Although I can not find anything out about exercise being related to hormone production, I think it is just stated as an obvious cure because exercise makes the woman feel good about herself and give her energy.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Housewife

2005-01-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

After a recent divorce I found a new guy. As time went by I let my feelings get really deep for him, we have been together for 8 months. When we first got together he did nothing but make me feel like I was wanted and everything. Then we got a place of our own and things changed. He didnt want to help around the house, he would come in from work and do nothing because he said I wasn't working so I should keep the place cleaned up. But why should I clean everyday just because he wants to be lazy when he gets home? Because of that we got to where we were staying cranky with each other. The kissing, the I Love You's, him calling me baby and everything just stopped. We were also having money problems. Now he has left me but soon after told me he wants to get back together. I want to but I am afraid.

Sincerely,

Housewife

Dear Housewife,

The absolute best thing you can do in this type of scenario is to get a job. I know sometimes it can be hard to find jobs, especially in this economy, but your relationship went stale and this will be just the thing to make things better. You may think that the American Dream with the working Dad and stay at home mom sounds more appealing and that is what you would liek to have, but in all reality it just will not work if money is tight. The money problem causes a funk. It causes him to be stressed out and it may even caus eyou to not keep the place as clean as you could because you are also stressed out about the relationship.

Getting a job gets you out of the house, gets you in touch with other people and gets you a life. Pretty soon you will be making your own money and you will not be relying on him so much therevy alleviating any stress and pressure. Also, you will be giving him less attention because you will ahve your own life and job to focus on. When you start giving him that attention, or at least less of it, he will be more inclined to try and get that attention from you and give you some love. If you can't find a job another thing you can focus on is your life outside of the home AND making your hom as great as it can be, Keeping it in top shape. think of it as a hobby. If your house was gorgeous inside, he would want to come home all of the time and be with you. I know this can be hard to do without money, that is why you should try and get a job first.

The point is, you need to focus on your life rather than revolving your life around his. You need to be more interesting to him. And, you need to be happy. I think independence is the key to happiness. It truly is.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Broke Up With Me Because I Don't Go To Church

2005-01-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I recently got dumped by my boyfriend of 17 years and he has been in the church for five years. He must have told me he wanted a Christian girl a thousand times, but I thought it would pass, I never knew what a Christian girl was. I have high morals, my child comes first in my life. I can't understand how he could judge me, when he is a single parent and his child has flunked school two years in a row and he has done nothing to help him. I take care of my responsiblities, my child. I want her to have more in life then what I had, a college education. She is only 10 but as a parent you must teach good study habits. Well, now he has decided to move on, because he has met a Christian girl at church. He , as a single parent, is at church Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, Saturday mornings and then Sunday mass, while his son is at home, doing who knows what. He works late hours at work too. I have softened my heart to the Christian life, but now it is too late. He has moved on already and I need help.

Sincerely,

Burned at the Stake

Dear Burned,

Your first big mistake is to judge him on his moral beliefs. You already told me that he has a child as a single parent and his child has flunked in school. Although these are not good qualities, he is still trying to make a better life for himself and his family by going to church. He spends many days and nights there as you have stated below and believe it or not most people would find this to be very good. He is already behaving better than most people out there. He wants a good life and so he is spending it at church. the church is his family and it will ony help him to be a better man. Because he loves the church so much he needs another woman who has the same high ideals. He needs another church going woman to share his days.

Some people call this being "equally yoked". You need to have a partner than has the same basic underlying priciples as you do to ahve a successful relationship. If one does not, the relationship will have a much smaller chance of surviving. This man wants so much to lead a good Christian life. You need to let him, or try your best to follow in his footsteps.

It is my guess that you also pick on his bad points. You told me all about his bad points and I would assume that you bring them up to him from time to time. You certainly bashed him enough to me. Everyone has skeletons in their closets and everyone has done some things they regret. But they do not need to hear about them all of the time. This man was looking forward to a good and honest life withing the church but he was unable to move forward because you give him so much negative attention and make him feel bad about himsel. What he needs is a lots of positive attention and encouragement. He needs to hear how well he is doing and how proud you are of him for turning to the church. He NEEDS that. This woman is probably giving him that positive attention.

If you really want him back you will need to enter his life via the church and start giving him the positive attention he needs.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

She Does Not Want Sex

2005-01-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time. But, when it comes to sex, it is non existent. I just got off of a month vacation from my job, and no sex. Only asked for it twice in 30 days!!! Both times she acted as if I wanted her to swing a sledge hammer for 8 hours. For the first 3.5 years it was awesome sex. 3 times a day. After she broke up with me for another guy (which lasted ~ 6 weeks) she returned to me. Now it is 2005 and I have only had sex with her like 3 times in the past 4 months. Sex was miserable too. No passion from her what so ever. When I ask her what the deal is she says something along the lines of " I don't want to put my emotions out there." or " It is not my responsibility." I guess she means that she gets very emotional during sex and doesn't want to share those emotions with me??? I don't understand her. What should I do? Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Unsexy

Dear Unsexy,

Her libido has dropped and she is embaressed about it. She doesn't want to say the truth: she is not turned on. She does not want to tell you the truth because it will either seem like something is wrong with her or you could perceive it as if you are not turning her on. She is trying to protect your feelings. There are many reasons for a woman's drop in libido and there are things you can do to help it. Sometimes, her sex drive can drop naturally. There will always be periodic highs and lows in a woman's sex drive.

First I would try purchasing some phermones for females. I am suggesting this because it works on me very very well. I tried one that came in a drink one time and I was in heat for three days. The phermones work better with psychological reinforcement (the power of a placebo). You should not hide it from her but just tell her you want to try it! Act excited about it and smile a lot. If she even thinks it is working, it will.

Do not pressure her about having sex. That is one of the worse things you can do. You should never pressure her or bring up her lowered sex drive. This will only make her feel worse about herself and it will cause her to go into depression and not want to have sex even more. So just lighten up about the situation. Let her approach you for sex. It may take her a while for her to get her mood back but she will only feel better about it if it is her initiative. She needs to feel like she is in control of the situation. This will not happen tomorrow and it may take weeks to months. But you have to understand this is completely normal and pressure or guilt will only make it worse.

Finally, find out what her dirty fantasies are. Use role playing or rent some fun video tapes. I have to have a little spice in my bedroom to keep it exciting. It is normal for sex to become a little bland when you are with the same person for so long. But there are ways you can make it interesting and keep your love life alive. There are so many fun things you can do! Bondage, dominant vs submissive, role playing, dressing up, going to a swingers club just for kicks and more. Have fun with it and use variety.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

She Went Back To Him Again!

2005-01-10T13:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca

I was friends with a girl for almost 7 years. She and her son moved away almost 4 years ago to be with some guy. Keeping in contact with me almost everyday... mostly complaining about this other guy. Basically, contacting me to get what she was missing in her relationship with him. This time last year she had a major blowout with him, and contacted me again. I knew she had feelings for me, as I did her, so I confessed. She also confessed, but then turned around and gave him another chance. In the beginning of the summer 04 she contacted me again... expressed more feelings, got my hopes up and again went back to him, cutting me off throughout the summer. In september, out the blue, she called me while she was traveling to see her family. Stopped by to see me, first time in 4 years. Crying, upset that she had married this guy and a month after her marriage, he hit her son. (he's not the father) She told me again, now that we were face to face, that her feelings for me were stronger then ever... she was done with her husband and wanted to keep me in her life forever. Eventually, she made her way back to her area... got her own apartment and continued a phone relationship with me for 3 months, begging me to come see her. Finally I did.... Spent 4 days at her apartment and then I took her and her son to Disney for a couple days for his birthday. It was magical... A lot of affection.. a lot of communication. According to her it was everything she hoped for and more. (something we've both been longing for, but never had the opportunity) Some of her words to me... Soulmates... nothing would ever break us again... I told her I was in love with her... she confessed she had "the same feelings"... promised me a divorce from her husband... etc. My head was completely filled with our hopes and dreams. At the same time, I could tell it was a little awkard for her seeing her son hangin' around with a new guy. Felt bad for her, cause I could tell it bothered her a bit. In a good way, but also bad. The last night I was there she said..."Nothing will ever break us or keep us apart... I think we're the real deal... soulmates" The next morning I drove 700 miles back to my area.... by the time I got home, her attitude with me on the phone was different....distant. She ignored me throughout my first week back from seeing her. I questioned, she played the "Confused" girl... Two days later, I received an email that she wanted to make things better once again, with her ex because he was in a major car accident and she felt she was obligated to take care of him. She stated in her email that everything she felt and said to me was sincere, but "unrealistic". She said she only felt guilt while with me, not loving feelings. Basically her email totally contradicted everything she told me and felt while I was there with her and the past 4 years through email. The email was short, very insincere and explained nothing. I responded to her email with alot of anger...probably shouldn't have, but I think she knows I was upset. Not necessarily putting her down, but trying to get her to "see the light" and to stop putting her hands back in the fire.... ya know? Also accusing her of using me... Needless to say, I haven't got a response from her first "Im sorry" email in three weeks. She totally cut me off again. Never in my life would I have suspected this girl as being a user. My friends loved her... my sister met her once and adored her... and I'm crazy about her... but hurting because of what she did to me. Could she just be confused? Is there a way I could stay in contact with her as friends? Or is this the time to play the "no contact" game? And let her ex ruin their relationship again as I sit on the sidelines... Any advice would be great.

Sincerely,

Loser

Dear Loser,

She is an actress. I have met one or two in my life. These girls are so good at acting, they would boggle the mind. The change faces as often as day becomes night and they do so strategically to get what they want when they want. Even the best judges of personality are completely duped by these characters. This personality flaw is so strong that is almost borderline psychotic, I am sorry to say. She is the kind of person that nearly BELIEVES her feelings while she is "faking" them and believes her different personas as she creates them. And then she can switch just like that. I knew one of these girls in Houston and she did a doozy on one of my good friends. She was unbelievable. And your girl sounds exactly like this one.

The one thing that would sincerely bother her the most is if you stopped doting on her, stoped calling her and stopped treating her like a queen. This girl wants to be adored and loved by all, which is why she is so devious and underhanded. She is playing for every team she can find. Again, I would like to say: psychotic! This girl will never understand the meaning of true love, devotion or honesty.

Forget about her. She used you and she will continue to use you if you let her and give her the opportunity. You need to move on and find someone more on your own level. You deserve a real girl.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Can't Move On

2005-01-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I AM ENGAGED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I LOVE DEARLY. WE HAVE DATED FOR 5 YEARS AND BEEN ENGAGED FOR 2 MONTHS. I AM STILL FIGHTING THESE FEELINGS THAT I HAVE HAD FOR A GIRL I HAVE KNOWN ALL MY LIFE. BUT THE GIRL I HAVE FEELINGS FOR, AND HAVE HAD FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE, DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS TOWARDS ME. BUT IN MY HEART OF HEARTS I KNOW IF THAT GIRL WERE TO FIND INTREST IN ME I WOULD LEAVE MY FIANCE, AND GIRLFRIEND OF 5 YEARS. WHY DO I HOLD ON TO THIS NEVER ENDING CRUSH AND HOW CAN I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD AND OUT OF MY EMOTIONS AND MOVE ON? I HAVE BEEN BATTLING THIS EVER SINCE I WAS A YOUNG TEENAGER AND IM 24 NOW AND STILL AM OVERLY OBSESSED WITH THIS OTHER GIRL THAT IS NOT INTRESTED IN ME AT ALL! WHAT DO I DO. I LOVE MY FIANCE BUT THIS OTHER GIRL HAS MY HEART AND I HAVE NEVER EVEN DATED HER!! ADVISE PLEASE!!!!!!

Sincerely,
I Can't Move On

Dear I Can't Move On,

That sounds like a dilemma.

If you are still thinking about this other woman even though you have been with your fiance for this long, I think the only way you will get this other woman out of you head is to get your feelings off your chest. You need to express how you feel to this love of yours. If you keep your feelings like this bottled up they will just get worse and worse. You need to vent these feelings. Once you get it off your chest and express your feelings verbally, you will be able to move on with your life.

Sit this love of yours down for a chat. If you have problems expressing deep feelings like this, involve a couple of beers. Let her know how you feel. Tell her how long you have been feeling this way. Let her know that you had to let her know for your own peice of mind and before you got married. She is not going to throw her drink in your face, trust me. Besides, how do you know if she does not have feelings for you? Any "good" girl would never express those kind of emotions to man who is already engaged.

Another point to be made is that if your feelings are this strong for this girlfriend of yours and severely overpower your feelings for your fiance, you need to break off the engagement with her. Your feelings should be that strong for your fiance. Even if you do not hook up with the woman you obsess over, you are likely to find another woman who makes you feel just as in love. Eventually, you will find someone who you can be crazy about and you will even get over this other girl. But for the time being, it is not fair to your fiance to have such strong feelings for someone else. You are basically lying to her on a day to day basis. She deserves better than that.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Lied

2005-01-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I probably did the worst thing I could possibly do. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years and then I broke up with him, because I needed some time alone for myself. Then I met this new man who seemed so different and a breathe of fresh air but I soon realized my boyfriend was the one for me I miss him so much. Well, he found out about the man I was talking to but, I denied it in fear of me losing him. Well, now he says he can't trust me and now he just wants to be friends, which I was okay with thinking I could woe him back, but instead he feels he wants to spend less time with me so it'll be easier for the both of us to get over each other. But, I miss him so much and I know we were meant to be with each other, please tell me what to do !!!

Sincerely,

Liar

Dear Liar,

We have all made this mistake. So don't feel like you are a monster or anything. My guess is, you won't make the same mistake again. You just made a lousy decision, but that is how we all learn, by making mistakes.

This guy feels betrayed and hurt, his trust has been lost. Seriously, he still wants to be put on a pedestal. So now comes the times where you throw your pride out the window and grovel. First, send him flowers. Guys never get flowers. When you send the flowers to his office, everyone will know that HE got flowers (because all of the women will see and ask who the flowers are for secretly hoping they are for themselves). He will feel special, loved and feel so incredible. He will be on cloud nine. It works every time. Call him every so often and tell him how much you love him and adore him. Every time you talk to him feed him with lots of positive attention.

Positive attention would be telling him how wonderful he is, how much you adore him, how proud you are of him. Positive attention makes someone feel good. He will always want to be around the person who makes him feel good about himself, so be that person. Then, he will always want to be around you. Refrain from giving him any negative attention. Negative attention would be crying, telling him how miserable you are and asking him why he is doing this to you. Negative attention makes people feel badly about themselves. He will not want to be around people that make him feel bad about himself.

So every time you talk to him, remember togive him that positive attention. Also, you want to shamelessly apologize all of the time. Keep apologizing and make sure he knows how bad you feel about it. As long as he knows that you are sorry, he will feel better about giving you back his trust. This will take some time, but I think you will make it through.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He does not understand me.

2005-01-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I broke up with my boyfriend 7 mths ago but I miss him soooo much. We had a lot of problems because he always thought I was concerned more about talking to people or being popular than I was of him. I think that no matter how many people I talk to or if guys try to talk to me but I don't give them any play, dat shouldn't interfere with our relationship. I think he's being insecure but he doesn't see it that way. He wants to feel like I'm all about him and no one else. I love him, but I can't understand why he's so caught up with me interacting with other guys. I mean I know it's because guys approach me because I'm pretty but that doesn't mean I'm going to pay anymore mind to them than what I should. How can I explain that I want to be only with him and that even though I might talk 2 other guys as friends, I'm not going to ruin what we have that's so special to me? Help me understand his point of view.

Sincerely,

Misunderstood.

Dear Misunderstood,

I am sure you love him very much but you can not change the way you are and who you are nor can you change the way he is. You two are on very different wave lengths. You are the energetic socialite who thrives in the company of others (like me) while he is the kind of person that needs all of your attention at any occasion. Neither personality type is a bad thing, but the happy union of such different personality types is difficult.

Even if you got together again and remained together, he would always feel uptight and unloved if he did not get enough attention from you. There would be jealousy and control issues and you would likely fight and argue constantly. You would feel controlled and you would feel like you were walking around on eggshells all of the time. You would be miserable, trust me. He would be very anxious and jealous much of the time which i a horrible way to feel.

You can not go about and change the way you are socially. The way you are is the way you are. It will not change. You also do not want to change who you are for anyone. There will be a guy out there for you who will be able to deal with your social appetite and he will be energized by it. I think you should let this one go and try to move on to a happier future with someone else.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

We are going back out.

2005-01-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

When my boyfriend and I broke up.. he started talkin to girls on the internet and he got some new girl friends. Now that we're "talking" again.. it bothers me that one particular girls keeps calling. He even told me that they're just friends and hes not going to give his girl friends up because I made him do that in the past. But what bothers me is that when we were not together he used to send them little cute notes and stuff. He says it was nothing and that every one of his girl friends know about me and what we have. But yesterday we were at the mall and that one particular girl called him and he told her he was with me so they hung up. But she kept calling and calling. So is she doing it to make me mad or what? In a way I feel I am the one to blame because I am over reacting if they are just friends. But I hate the thought that when I'm not with him or I'm at work he is over there talking to her. Now I'm confused on what to do. It's always gonna bother me that he talks to her just because I would see his little sweet notes he would send her. But he says he doesn't do it anymore since we've began talking but how do I know that? So should I just forget it and leave him alone or should I force myself to accept the fact that he does have girl friends?

Sincerely,
Second Time Around

Dear Second Time Around,

You have every right to feel slighted by this man. He is completely manipulating you. He is telling you that if you want to keep him, you must endure the fact that he has other girlfriends. He is using this technique to make you feel trapped. As you said before, you were very upset that he would have many other girlfriends. My guess is, that is probably one of the reasons you broke up. I bet he did not want to comply with your wishes and so he broke up with you over this issue. He knew you were upset over the break up and you wanted him back. After you got back together, he tells you that if you want to keep him, you must endure the other women. Basically, he is having his cake and eating it too. he knows that you do not want to end the relationship again, so he gets to do anything he wants. What a jerk.

This man has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. A blind man could see this. You do not see it because you are blinded by love and adoration. You need a wake up call. He sends these other women cute messages, do you really think he is not seeing any of them on the side? He tells you he is not but I highly doubt it. THere is always the chance he is telling you the truth but he is stil being very disrespectful towards you. If he truly loved you with every bone in his body, these other women would not be an issue. You must not let the threat of him breaking up with you scare you into not speaking your mind. You deserve better than this treatment.

You can not force someone into doing what you want. You will not be able to give him an ultimatum: The other girls or me. Ultimatums never work. He should be making this decision on his own. Howevere, I would tell him calmly and swwetly that you do not like it. Do not tell him in an angry tone, just let him know it bothers you. He will most likely keep it up because he is very disrespectful towards you anyways. Now if he can do what he wants and talk to many other woman, so can you. He needs a taste of his own medicine. I am not telling you to go get involved with some other guys, but feel free to make some new friends of your own. Go out with some new male friends and have them call you all of the time. If he gets upset, oh well!

Eventually, he will get upset but do not ever let it go into the arguement phase. If he brings up the issue, which he inevitably will, just keep smiling. Smile the whole tme, as if you were incredibly happy at your new found social life. Let him know it bothers you too with his other women so you merely want to put yourself in his shoes and you love your new friends now! But you love him and if he wants you to stop, you will, but only on the condition taht he stops too. Remember, do not let tempers flare in this scenario because the more calm you remain, the better things will turn out for you.

If after a few months this man does not change at all, dump him. He manipulates you too much and you need to gain some of that control back.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Time To Party!

2004-12-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

From Diva Rebecca to everyone:
I hope everyone has a great time this New Year's Eve. Make sure that you are safe and you can get around safe. I hope you have a lot of fun tonight!

The Cuckold

2004-12-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been married for 24 years and cucked for ten. She started dating a few years after I had a motorcycle accident that left me paraplegic and unable to get an erection. I've since found sites that describe what I am..... a CUCK. My wife understands that I enjoy her having sex with other men and getting to clean her orally when she returns home. The problem is that she does not want me to watch her having sex. I do get to listen to her when she is home. I usually stay in bed after she gets home with her date and they play in the living room. Hearing her moans turn me on greatly. And waiting for her to come to bed to feed me is truly a great turn-on to me. Do you think that there is a chance that I could watch her with these men? If so how? I've asked her but she tells me that she is too shy.

Sincerely,

The Cuckold,
Huntington, West Virginia

Dear Cuckold,

Very interesting. I enjoyed your "matter of fact" way of relating your unusual problem. For the readers who do not knows what a “cuck” is, it comes from the word “Cuckold”. By definition, a cuckold used to be what a man was referred to as when he had a cheating wife. Nowadays, a cuck refers to a man who is sexually aroused by having his wife enter the beds of other men.

There are many couples that enjoy this sort of sexual behavior. However, there is one big difference. Most men who enjoy being the cuck, and the women who indulge in this behavior, do so out of choice. But in your situation, you and your wife have come to this arrangement out of necessity. She needs and/or desires sexual satisfaction and you need to feel as if you are satisfying her. You also desire that closeness that sexual intimacy creates and therefore you find being a cuckold fulfills your duty.

It is obvious that your sexual choice is stimulating to you. You enjoy being the cuckold, you find it stimulating and you enjoy keeping your wife happy. I applaud you for being able to find news ways to keep your sex life alive with your wife. Many men in your position would not have been able to deal with this situation because most men, even if they found themselves paralyzed, would never be able to allow their wifes to be intimate with another man. But to you, her satisfaction is arousing.

The thing I would worry about is that her comfort with this situation may not be as high as yours. That is why she has been unable to let you watch. She might never have let you be a cuckhold if your accident did not leave you paralyzed and that is something you should think about. However, she is still going out there and having sexual relations with other men so she is obviously not too uncomfortable with it.

With any kind of sexual issue the worse thing you can do is pressure someone into doing what you want. It is fine to bring up your desires but leave it alone after that especially if she feels a little uncomfortable. No pressure. Pressure causes a person to do the exact opposite in a relationship. It can even cause resentment and a lack of sexual desire. Always be nice about it when you bring up the issue and tell her it would make you very happy if she did this for you. Let her know that she can do it whenever she feels comfortable. Tell her to have a few drinks with the guy and if she feels comfortable, take him home for you. Now, the next time this happens, she probably will not bring him home anytime soon but do NOT make her feel bad about it. Do not ask her why she did not bring him home or tell her that it bothered you that she did not bring him home. This would be nagging and you do not want to nag her about it at all. Do not bring up the issue at all after she comes home. Just ask her again the next time. Simply smile, be very sweet and nicely tell her you would love it if she brought the lover back home each time before she leaves for her rendezvous.

It may take a while but your must let HER build up to it. You must let it be her decision, that is the only way she will comply with your wish. This is why you can not nag her about it or pressure her into it. Eventually, she will try and give you what you want. And once she does it the first time, she will be much more comfortable with the situation and will more easily give in to your desires.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Holiday Blues

2004-12-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been living in a different state from where I grew up for the past five years. I have some great friends here and I am generally a happy woman. But I just can not help but feel some holiday blues. I am single having just recently broken up with my last boyfriend. He was not the “one” so I am not sad about that, I am just a little lonely. All of my friends will be going home for Christmas, and I do not want to ask anyone to take me home with them. I was not able to fly home this year. So for Christmas, I will be all alone. I feel like such a loser! Sitting at home, by myself, watching TV on Christmas day! I can’t help but feel some self pity and I am getting very emotional.

Sincerely,

Holiday Blues,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Holiday Blues,

I think many of us have been in your shoes. I know I surely have. I moved to Houston after college with my ex and after we separated, I stayed in Houston instead of moving home. Most of my family was back home in New England and here I was, far away in Texas. Normally, I would go home for the holidays but every once in a while I was forced to stay in Texas. Even when you can surround yourself with tons of good friends, you still feel lonely without family. So I do know how you feel.

Hopefully, your friends will ask you how you are spending the holidays and when they find out that you will be alone, one of them will ask you to join. However, that could make you still feel a little sad because he or she only invited you because you do not have anywhere else to go. Although that is not entirely the case, your friends would love to have you be with them for the holidays, you still will not be able to feel even more self pity.

So I will tell you what you should do which will be an amazing fix for your problem. You need to find out where children are who need help this year and go see them. Do you know how many children are out there, living in foster homes and such, who have never even known what the comfort of family even feels like? Or visit a homeless shelter and volunteer for serving the Christmas dinner. Spend the day at a nursing home where forgotten elderly people are spending the day alone because their families were too busy to bring them home. There are so many places you can go where volunteers for Christmas Day will be sorely needed.

By doing this, instead of feeling lonely for Christmas, you will feel needed. You are needed. It will make you feel so good about yourself that you went out and did something completely unselfish to help other people battle loneliness and disparity on Christmas Day. Your Holiday Blues will be lifted. You will undoubtedly make at least one person smile, and that is the best gift you can give yourself. And how about when people ask you what you are doing for Christmas? The response you will get when you tell people what you will be doing will be pure astonishment. Everyone will see you in a new light.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The X Factor

2004-12-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I love him very much. However, I am confused by a serious of events, or information I stumbled upon. He has spent a generous amount of time trying to locate his ex. This is a girl he dated many years ago, six to be exact. He hasn't had any contact with her in over six years. Friends have run into her here and there, but no sightings in the past 2-3 years. I've been told that he has been digging and asking around about where she is, etc. He has also been asking if anyone has her email. I can't ask him about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'm very confused. Why does he feel the need to contact her? He is very sweet to me and repeatedly tells me that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What is the investigation about, more so, what if he finds her; is going to cheat on me? He never has cheated on me to my knowledge, maybe I'm missing something? I don't have any desire to contact any of my exes, I consider them closed doors. However my knowledge of his persistence on finding his ex, really makes me want to contact a recent ex, but I think it's more of a 'getting even' than true desire.

Sincerely,

The X-Factor,
Schererville, Indiana

Dear X-Factor,

Although I love gossip and I am one that loves hearing that dirty laundry (as if this website did not portray this well enough), it is something that can be very harmful to the strongest of relationships. You say that someone has informed you that he has been trying to find out about his ex. I would think closely about this person who told you this tidbit of information. Is it a guy that would love to break you up so that he could be with you? Is it a guy that is jealous of your boyfriend and would do anything to harm his relationships just to see him hurt? Is it a woman who wants to break you up so that she can get with your man?

There are many people who use gossip as a way of undermining relationships because of their ulterior motives. I have come across many people like this. Sometimes, you would never know it. They can be very good actresses and actors. You might normally think they are the sweetest people in the world. Unbeknownst to you they have a dark and devilish side. There was a woman once who acted as if she was my best friend. The entire time she was getting close to me, she was also getting close to my ex. This woman was also married. Before I knew what was going on, she divorced her husband and began digging her little claws into my ex. She was his secretary of all things. Thankfully, her attempts to destroy our relationship only backfired and she was the one left alone without a husband, without a lover and with one less friend.

Most likely he heard his ex-girlfriend's name and became curious. This is very normal especially after a long period of no contact. He may have asked around about her once or twice just out of curiosity. Perhaps even this person that told you is the one that got him started on his curious streak. Although, I have to admit, it would bother me as well if I heard about it. You are completely normal to feel a little threatened by his inquisitive nature especially when he has not told you about it.

You will not be able to bottle up your feelings about this for long. A real relationship demands honesty on both sides. So if you feel upset about something, you need to let him know what is bothering you. I would have a sit down talk with him and very gently tell him that someone has told you that he has been searching for his ex. Let him know that you were told in confidence and because you are an honorable woman, you can not break that trust and divulge his/her name. He should be able to understand. Let him know that this is bothering you because you feel that his desire to find out about his ex is too strong and you feel that it is harmful to your relationship. You also felt hurt because he did not tell you about it. You will be leaving yourself vulnerable when you have this discussion because your feelings will be out there and open on the table. He could just turn around, get angry and smash your feelings to pieces. There is always that chance so be prepared.

The point is, you must get this off your chest and open up to him. That is the only way you will be able to feel better about the situation. If you do not, the worrying will cause you great anxiety causing even more damage to the relationship. Also, do not contact an ex out of spite. Never ever do anything in a relationship out of spite. It will only cause more problems down the road.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Suspecting Snooper

2004-12-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am in a three year relationship with an older man. I had a feeling and checked my man’s text messages on his cell phone. Sure enough there were some more then friendly messages to his so-called “female friend from college”. He was saying how he thinks about her and so on! Now I am mad and want to flip but I don’t want to look like a snooper! Should I just leave him alone and make up a reason or tell him what I found? He obliviously is not the one! And we have been talking about marriage lately!! Help me, I want to handle this in a Diva way! Thank you.

Sincerely,

The Suspecting Snooper,
New York, New York

Dear Suspecting Snooper,

What I have learned in these types of scenarios is to NEVER jump to conclusions.

Before I get into that, I should also inform you that snooping never helps a relationship. Actually, snooping is very bad. Usually, you will always find something you do not like. And it could be completely innocent. But because you are riled up and intent on finding bad news, it become easy to let better judgment get skewed and you see things in an irrational way. The reason why we snoop is usually because of two reasons:

1) You subconsciously or quite consciously know you are in a bad relationship and are looking for an easy way out. If you find evidence that he has been cheating or dishonest, you have a created a reason which can be blamed on him for the easy way out. This keeps us in the good light. This is actually the coward's way out. We should all be able to break up with our significant other based on our own feelings instead of looking for something to blame on him.

2) You are looking for positive reaffirmation that you are the one he wants to be with. If you find something that may challenge the relationship in any way, you have created a situation that calls for him to apologize and make it up to you. This is sort of a passive aggressive technique for attention.

In the end snooping will always cause more problems. Eventually you will find something you do not like and then you will have to bring it up to him. It is too hard to hold inside. He will ask how you found out and it will be understood that you were snooping. Snooping is the same thing as spying and it is just as egregious as lying. He will begin to trust you less and less and then there goes the relationship. With any relationship, there needs to be trust.

However, if you do snoop and find out for sure that he has been a dirty cheating son-of-a-bitch, dump his ass on the corner where it belongs and never look back.

With regards to the text messages you found, you did not say that it was anything more that the fact that he was thinking about her. But I might have misunderstood, it could have been worse than that. Okay, there are thousands of innocent reasons why he could have been thinking about her. This is why you can not jump to conclusions. When you find something like this, and it is completely innocent, your mind starts to build on the scenario. You imagine all sorts of horrible things and it get worse and worse. Pretty soon, in your head, they are having an affair when the fact is, it could have been something as simple as the fact that he was thinking about her because it was her birthday and she is a good friend of his. Conversely, there could be something going on as well and now that you already have this information in your head, you are going to have to say something before you explode.

Just do not immediately accuse. When you do approach him about the problem, be very sweet and all smiles, yet remain composed and be firm and decisive. If he acts evasive or tries to blame you immediately, he is hiding something and is probably being dishonest. If he stutters and tries to think of a plausible excuse or reason, again he is hiding something. If he comes up with a logical explanation very quickly, he is probably telling the truth. If he is cheating, break up with him cleanly and swiftly. You deserve better in your life. If you think he is being honest, apologize for snooping and then make it up to him.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Silk Panties

2004-12-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My husband and I have been married for a little over five months now and it is so awesome. Both of us have had previous marriages that were a disaster at best. We have been together a little over a year now and I have a question I need to ask someone about. He often likes to wear my panties. He is not gay and he is not weird in anyway but I feel strange about it. It is kind of cool in a way. He says he likes the way they feel and it makes him feel closer to me. I just wanted your thoughts, outlooks or whatever on this.

Sincerely,

Silk Panties,
Fort Gibson, Oklahoma

Dear Silk Panties,

Actually, a guy that gets turned on by wearing women's panties is normally the furthest thing from "gay". Believe it or not. This is a quite common fantasy that very masculine men indulge in. The only problem that can result from this kind of fetish comes from the lack of understanding why this fetish turns them on. The female partner starts to assume that he is gay or that something could be very wrong with him. The man, himself, thinks he could be a freak or have some latent homo-sexual tendencies. The fact that he can tell you he likes to wear your panties is a good thing. He trusts you with his fantasy and he is secure with himself.

The logic behind this fantasy is due to the guilt he feels being masculine. To fully understand where fantasies are derived you must understand that it is impossible to get sexually aroused while feeling any kind of guilt or anxiety. So, people make up different scenarios and have different fantasies that alleviate this guilt. With the man who wear panties, he usually feel very guilty about his masculinity, probably towards his mother. He may have even grown up with a very weak father. He feels that his masculinity overpowers women and in a very bad way. By wearing panties, he can "identify with the victim" and he feels better about himself. Then he can remain masculine and get aroused in a masculine way (an erection).

This may be hard for you to fully understand so what you should do is think about your own fantasies. What is it that turns you on? Next, think about what kind of guilt or anxiety this might be alleviating. I would also suggest buying the book "Arousal" by Dr. Michael Bader.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Confessed Cheater

2004-12-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm a 28 year old that just lost his girl. I been with her for two years and she is the best thing that has happened in my life. She doesn’t drink at all or smoke... and my friends all tell me that she is the one. Anyway, we broke up in March because she found some pornographic video tapes of me and my ex. She also knows I was with her at the time because of the clothes I wore in the video. Anyway, she took me back a month ago, and two weeks later she caught my ex hiding in my house when she came by. I know I'm stupid, but my ex just wanted to come over to say good bye due to her moving to another state. The thing is, my ex changed into a dress making it look like we had done something. What should I do? I really want my girl back. She doesn’t believe my story. I don’t blame her though, but that is what really happened.

Sincerely,

Confessed Cheater,
Cooperstown, North Dakota

Dear Confessed Cheater,

I would not have believed you either. In fact, I don't believe you now.

Thank you for your honesty. It helps with assessing the problem. I don't want to completely bash you, but what were you thinking? You have already cheated on her once with your ex, and then you made a video of your transgression. Did you want to get caught? You even left the video around in your own home for your girlfriend to find. I can not honestly believe that you truly love your girlfriend if you sleep with your exes and are so bold to make video of it. The fact that you want to immortalize your affairs on tape means that you enjoy having affairs and you think that nothing is wrong with them. When most people cheat on their beloved, they recognize their heinous mistake and they usually make all efforts to cover it up. They will discard telltale clothing, erase phone numbers and emails from their phones and computers and want nothing to do with that other person. You, on the other hand, are keeping mementos. This tells me that you find your affair to be completely normal and you are okay with them. You know that cheating is wrong, but you do not really care.

And then she caught you again with the same ex in your house changing clothes and, most suspiciously, hiding. Tell me, if there was nothing going on, why did you stash your ex away in attempts to hide her from your girlfriend? If there was nothing going on, and everything was innocent, you would not have tried to hide her. And why would he be changing at your house? True, there may have actually been nothing going on, but that fact that you are a cheater tells me that there was.

Most people that cheat usually do so all of the time. Your girlfriend probably assumes that you have cheated before on numerous occasions. I would suspect so as well. You may have had affairs before and maybe not. Either way, it may be because you are not satisfied enough with your current girlfriend. Something could be emotionally or physically lacking in your relationship leading to your infidelity. That being the case, maybe you should move onto another woman or start dating again altogether. There should be a woman out there for you who will whoop your butt into shape. Someone out there will be able to harness all of your attention and you would never even dream of cheating.

Right now, your girlfriend is suffering from a hurt ego. She has been slapped in the face by your lack of dedication. The only thing you can do at this moment is beg and plead. There are a number of things that couldn't hurt and will help the situation, but they will be hard to do. It really depends on how much you love her and how willing you are to get her back. She feels slighted by this other woman. The one thing that she would love right now is for you to show her the utmost love and devotion IN FRONT of your ex-girlfriend. There are a number of ways you could do this. For example, you could have a three way telephone conversation where you tell your ex to leave you alone because you are in love with your girlfriend. I know, how embarrassing. But your girlfriend needs to hear it. She needs to hear you proclaim your love for her by shouting it from the mountaintops. She needs to know how upset you are, how sorry you are and, of course, how miserable you are. Send her flowers, cards and candy. Let her know that you are the only thing that matters to you. Throw your pride out the window and grovel. It is going to take a while, but she is going to have to build up her trust again so give it time.

And the next time you think about cheating, stop right there. She will always find out, sooner or later.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca